there will still be many changes in the next few days

I try to be nice, and I guess apparently you are too.  But don’t put a “WE” in this.  WE arent giving up our child for adoption.  I’M putting up MY child for adoption.  I thought maybe it does affect you.  Maybe you are sincere when you say you want to see her and you would do this if we were stable and everything.  Maybe I’m stupid to believe you for a second. Maybe I’m stupid for feeling bad for you.

But, when I see things like your new girlfriend posting things to you, and posting pictures of HER children to you that YOU are taking care of, that’s what makes me mad.  And makes me think that maybe you are the liar.  And maybe you are the one who is missing out on your daughter’s life. And maybe YOU are the one who will regret this.  So take care of your new children and live a happy, happy life.

That things are extremely hard.  I’m really, really sad, to put things lightly.

There is only one person I want to be with. And it’s really kind sad, that I cant.

There is only one more person whose support I want.  And it’s really kind of confusing as to why I want it.

There is only one person I want to be mine forever.  And it’s really kind of unfortunate that things can’t work out that way.

But, I will let that go

And, I will figure something out.

Finally, I will reassure myself again, it’s best.  I’m just afraid of what the absense of that feeling will do.  Or if there is no disappearance at all, and it only grows stronger, then what? Stay reassured. That’s what.

(note: about 3 separate people)

Today I met with Justins mom, Marie.  All I have to say is that she is a very, very, nice person, and I like her a whole lot.  She is very honest and open and I definitely admire that about her.  She doesn’t sugar coat things and says what needs to be said and what she feels, and I really , really appreciate that about her and am grateful that I have her here now, as somebody to talk to and understand.  We talked a lot, and I ended up seeing Justin’s graduation photos.  To be honest, when I saw them I cried.  I wasn’t expecting to, but I really couldn’t help it.  Although, he hasn’t been the very best, I am very proud of him for graduating and he looked very “handsome” in his cap and gown.  Honestly.  And, I know it may be kind of early to tell, but in that ultrasound, and most agree, “his daughter” is a spitting image of him; especially in that cap/gown picture.  It really hit me hard, and it really made me wish that he was around and that I had his support.  He isn’t living in the best of places right now, but that is all up to him and the decisions he’s made.  All I can do is hope things turn around for him and keep focusing on my plan and me and my child’s future.

I’m exhausted.  Busy past two days. More busy days to come.
Goodnight.

24 Weeks Ultrasound (last week)

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update REALLY soon!

This past week has been crazy insane.  i told my grandparents about something I never thought they’d react well about, and they actually think its really neat. so that’s really good.  (:  It’s only my first week and Im almost done with my last class to graduate and get out of that high school.  The first week of college has been okay. Not horrible, but not too great.  I found out a lot of people are going to be here for this baby’s birth.  It’s crazy, crazy.  I met Justins parent’s and they are actually really nice.  Well, I didn’t talk to his stepdad much, but I definitely feel for his mom, and It was so nice how nice she was to me.  I mean,  didn’t think she would be mean, but she really touched me in a lot of ways.

Oh, AND, I get a million missed calls from Justin and so i call back and we got into this huge heated arguement.  Well, this ultimate decision is up to ME.  No matter what his intentions were in that conversation, good or bad, i don’t know.  He hasn’t been involved with his daughter or me at all.  What I do is all in my hands, and he has no say. I don’t care if he has been going through some hard times.  I mean, I feel for him, but I am going through my own hard times as well.   We have totally different situations, but I believe that one situation can totally be an equal amount of stress as the others situation, all depending on how the person responds to it.  He can have fun living with his 22 year old girlfriend who most likely supports him, taking care of HER twins, while HIS daughter and I will be just fine no matter what happens in the end.  It really made me sad, and sometimes I wish that he could have been there, because it sucks going through this “alone,” but it was probably for the best.

I dont know.  Maybe I’m resentful, or bitter, or hurt, or angry, or happy, or carefree, or neutral, or all of those mixed.  I don’t know.  Maybe I shouldn’t care.  Maybe I don’t.  I really, really don’t know.  This whole experience and past half of a year is just unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  And, I just had to get all of that out.

At least I got to get my hair cut this week! : P

I was standing by the door of my “new class” which was really the wrong one, and it turns out this kid I had never seen had credit recovery all day also.  And he was pretty nice so it’s not that bad.  Finally, we were directed to our new class and it was a pretty big room compared to last year’s classroom.  It just had a lot of desks and computers.  Way more than needed.  When I got in there the teachers were really nice and told us just what to expect.  I picked my two electives, Humanity/Psychology or something like that, and some business communications class.  Then of course, I had to take my second semester of senior english.  The day pretty much flew by, I didn’t have to go to my locker or switch classes, and I finished the first lesson of my English class.

When it was finallly time to leave at noon, I just walked out to the cafeteria across the hall and actually saw a lot of people I hadn’t seen in a while.  They all had something to say about my new “look,” lol and I guess it didn’t really bother me because I had the summer to adjust.  Some people I rarely talk to gave me hugs, and one friend even felt my belly and said that she “was so sad I wasn’t keeping her.”  Maybe a while back it would have made me really sad, and it still kind of does, but just the fact that I didn’t let it bother me AS MUCH let me know that I was making a lot of progress and felt confident in my decision.

So, overall, the first day was pretty good.  Fast paced. And of course, I was little sad I didn’t get to be in regular class with all of the new kids and old friends, especially as a result of getting pregnant and feeling the need to get out of school ASAP, but I think it was a good decision.  So, a good thing is that I get to graduate early ahead of my class , and I can’t wait to finish the rest of the year.

Just a quick update.
Hm, I am DEFINITELY showing now & things have been going REALLY well.  I have a beautiful, ACTIVE, baby girl and things are pretty good. I recently recieved some exciting news that you all will probably be finding out about soon enough! (; Oh, and if by some crazy chance i DO GET to pick my baby’s name, I am calling her Addison now.  I don’t know why, it’s just a name I like, that always stuck.
That’s all for now!

A lot has been going on recently.  I met with my caseworker, Ashley. Lol. She’s really nice. It was a kind of emotional thing, though, at one point, because I cant even begin to imagine that day I have to hand my baby over.  But, its getting better, and although I think i will “change my mind” a  million times, I know what my final decision will be.  She’s helping me work through all this, as a counselor, and prepare me for that day.

Later that day, after I met Ashley I went to the doctors office for my 20 week sonogram.  First of all, I saw that being in my fifth month, I haven’t even gained 10 pounds yet.  I’ve gained more like 5 or 6.  That’s with my clothes and shoes on!  I kind of worried about it, but im NOT complaining! For a number of reasons!! Ha! BUT, anyway, I found out Im having a baby girl.  She’s going to be so cute , I bet.  I hope she gets my brown hair and Justin’s colored eyes (: Lol. I saw/heard her little heartbeat again, and the anatomy like the four chambers of the heart, I saw her spine, her little bones, feet and hands.  I can’t believe there’s a living thing in there. Lol. It’s so crazy. (the picture is kind of hard to see. it’s like bottom up.)

There is one thing I’m scared about though.  They call it “breeching” where, the babys head is up instead of down.  Apparently it’s normal and she has PLENTY of time to turn around, but I get paranoid about those things.

Hmm, today at work,was horrible to be honest.  It’s the first of REAL back pain I actually felt while being in motion.  It usually comes when I’m leaning back or something. I couldn’t stand bending over and over and not being able to sit down for 6 hours.  At first I was like, Okay, Wow, I’m lazy! But then the back pains got a lot worse! And it’s not lke I was out of breath or anything.  But oh well, that’s what I get, I guess. Lol.  Other than that, things got kind of sad.  This lady passed by with her little baby. She was so cute, and she had the cutest cry.  I felt so bad, and I almost wanted to cry, but then I thought, that cry isn’t going to be cute at 3 AM.  And I just had to think to myself all of the reasons why I was doing this and I literally thought over and over , “its for the best, it’s for the best,” because in that moment I could have totally changed my mind.  Then, there was this young girl I saw earlier in the dressing room, she was buying baby clothes so we started talking about how cute the clothes were.  She said they were for her friend who just turned 19, and we just started having a conversation.  Somehow we got onto the subject of this adoption plan I’m going through, and she told me that it was such a noble thing for me to do.  It REALLY HONESLY helped.  Just minutes before I had been on the verge of tears, I guess, and we really just stood there and talked about everything.  And especially when she said that, those words of reassurance definitely did a lot for me.  Even though I said thank you and everything, I don’t think she even knew it and how just talking to me, and saying that did a lot of good for me.

But overall, things have been okay.  Other than the emotional side, I just have horrible back pains, especially after work, and I have to hold my back when I walk and it makes me look really funny/awkward. It really sucks, and I really hate it! The bad thing is I’m not even that big yet. Oh well, it’s going to be worth it, I think.

(her little foot is SO much bigger than the last ultrasound)

At work, they’ve been putting me in the kids section.  It includes babies, and I just look at all these baby items, and see all these pregnant women coming through (some teenagers, ha) shopping for their babies that will soon be here.  This sounds stupid, but I’ve had to keep from crying sometimes.  This decision is so “final.” Even though, it’s not really final, until I sign the papers, in the back of my mind, I know it is, because, theres no way I can turn back.  This is what is best for my little one.  It just helps reality to hit.  I never thought you could love someone so much.  Something that isn’t even here, has so much impact on me already. Oh, I’m finally starting to really show. But I dont think anybody has the guts to ask, in fear of the fact that I might just be chubby. Ha. But it’s only in my stomach area.  And, i find out the sex in four days.

ill probably write more later, but i have to go to work.

UPDATE: Tonight at work wasn’t so bad, i just tried not to pay attention to everything, although, there is this adorable blanket i keep seeing that i want to buy really bad.  I am still really really sad right now. Extremely.

i wrote this on myspace:

my baby is kicking or doing something to the point where i can see the phone on my stomach move all around. its so unbelievably cute.
and i couldn’t be sadder.