•September 14, 2009 • 3 Comments


there will still be many changes in the next few days


I’m sorry

•September 13, 2009 • 1 Comment

jacks mannequin: swim

I try to be nice, and I guess apparently you are too.  But don’t put a “WE” in this.  WE arent giving up our child for adoption.  I’M putting up MY child for adoption.  I thought maybe it does affect you.  Maybe you are sincere when you say you want to see her and you would do this if we were stable and everything.  Maybe I’m stupid to believe you for a second. Maybe I’m stupid for feeling bad for you.

But, when I see things like your new girlfriend posting things to you, and posting pictures of HER children to you that YOU are taking care of, that’s what makes me mad.  And makes me think that maybe you are the liar.  And maybe you are the one who is missing out on your daughter’s life. And maybe YOU are the one who will regret this.  So take care of your new children and live a happy, happy life.

It’s times like these

•September 13, 2009 • 3 Comments

jacks mannequin: swim

That things are extremely hard.  I’m really, really sad, to put things lightly.

There is only one person I want to be with. And it’s really kind sad, that I cant.

There is only one more person whose support I want.  And it’s really kind of confusing as to why I want it.

There is only one person I want to be mine forever.  And it’s really kind of unfortunate that things can’t work out that way.

But, I will let that go

And, I will figure something out.

Finally, I will reassure myself again, it’s best.  I’m just afraid of what the absense of that feeling will do.  Or if there is no disappearance at all, and it only grows stronger, then what? Stay reassured. That’s what.

(note: about 3 separate people)

Quick Feelings

•September 10, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I deleted my last post, because I didn’t feel comfortable having it up anymore.  But basically, I just want to share a few things.

Today I met with Justins mom, Marie.  All I have to say is that she is a very, very, nice person, and I like her a whole lot.  She is very honest and open and I definitely admire that about her.  She doesn’t sugar coat things and says what needs to be said and what she feels, and I really , really appreciate that about her and am grateful that I have her here now, as somebody to talk to and understand.  We talked a lot, and I ended up seeing Justin’s graduation photos.  To be honest, when I saw them I cried.  I wasn’t expecting to, but I really couldn’t help it.  Although, he hasn’t been the very best, I am very proud of him for graduating and he looked very “handsome” in his cap and gown.  Honestly.  And, I know it may be kind of early to tell, but in that ultrasound, and most agree, “his daughter” is a spitting image of him; especially in that cap/gown picture.  It really hit me hard, and it really made me wish that he was around and that I had his support.  He isn’t living in the best of places right now, but that is all up to him and the decisions he’s made.  All I can do is hope things turn around for him and keep focusing on my plan and me and my child’s future.

I’m exhausted.  Busy past two days. More busy days to come.

24 Weeks Ultrasound (last week)

24 Weeks profile

24 weeks hand

24 weeks girl


•September 2, 2009 • 3 Comments

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update REALLY soon!

This past week

•August 27, 2009 • 5 Comments

This will be brief because I am exhausted:

This past week has been crazy insane.  i told my grandparents about something I never thought they’d react well about, and they actually think its really neat. so that’s really good.  (:  It’s only my first week and Im almost done with my last class to graduate and get out of that high school.  The first week of college has been okay. Not horrible, but not too great.  I found out a lot of people are going to be here for this baby’s birth.  It’s crazy, crazy.  I met Justins parent’s and they are actually really nice.  Well, I didn’t talk to his stepdad much, but I definitely feel for his mom, and It was so nice how nice she was to me.  I mean,  didn’t think she would be mean, but she really touched me in a lot of ways.

Oh, AND, I get a million missed calls from Justin and so i call back and we got into this huge heated arguement.  Well, this ultimate decision is up to ME.  No matter what his intentions were in that conversation, good or bad, i don’t know.  He hasn’t been involved with his daughter or me at all.  What I do is all in my hands, and he has no say. I don’t care if he has been going through some hard times.  I mean, I feel for him, but I am going through my own hard times as well.   We have totally different situations, but I believe that one situation can totally be an equal amount of stress as the others situation, all depending on how the person responds to it.  He can have fun living with his 22 year old girlfriend who most likely supports him, taking care of HER twins, while HIS daughter and I will be just fine no matter what happens in the end.  It really made me sad, and sometimes I wish that he could have been there, because it sucks going through this “alone,” but it was probably for the best.

I dont know.  Maybe I’m resentful, or bitter, or hurt, or angry, or happy, or carefree, or neutral, or all of those mixed.  I don’t know.  Maybe I shouldn’t care.  Maybe I don’t.  I really, really don’t know.  This whole experience and past half of a year is just unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  And, I just had to get all of that out.

At least I got to get my hair cut this week! : P

Last “First Day of School”

•August 24, 2009 • 2 Comments

Today was the first day of my senior year.  I wasn’t planning on going at all, thinking maybe I could graduate before I had to see anyone after everything from last year happened.  I decided to go back though, and it wasn’t that bad.  My friend Shelley spent the night and we got ready together.  I did end up having to go in alone, though, because she had to do something before.  When I got there the bell had already rung and it was pretty much chaos.  But I’m glad no one really noticed me since we were all pretty lost in the new high school.  When I got there they directed me to the wrong class, which was okay, I guess, because i DID get to see some friends I barely saw all summer.  They didn’t act different at all, and just “awwed” at my belly, I guess.  Some girl I rarely talk to came up to me and told me I was getting so much bigger! Ha! It was not very funny at the time, but I just went along with it.

I was standing by the door of my “new class” which was really the wrong one, and it turns out this kid I had never seen had credit recovery all day also.  And he was pretty nice so it’s not that bad.  Finally, we were directed to our new class and it was a pretty big room compared to last year’s classroom.  It just had a lot of desks and computers.  Way more than needed.  When I got in there the teachers were really nice and told us just what to expect.  I picked my two electives, Humanity/Psychology or something like that, and some business communications class.  Then of course, I had to take my second semester of senior english.  The day pretty much flew by, I didn’t have to go to my locker or switch classes, and I finished the first lesson of my English class.

When it was finallly time to leave at noon, I just walked out to the cafeteria across the hall and actually saw a lot of people I hadn’t seen in a while.  They all had something to say about my new “look,” lol and I guess it didn’t really bother me because I had the summer to adjust.  Some people I rarely talk to gave me hugs, and one friend even felt my belly and said that she “was so sad I wasn’t keeping her.”  Maybe a while back it would have made me really sad, and it still kind of does, but just the fact that I didn’t let it bother me AS MUCH let me know that I was making a lot of progress and felt confident in my decision.

So, overall, the first day was pretty good.  Fast paced. And of course, I was little sad I didn’t get to be in regular class with all of the new kids and old friends, especially as a result of getting pregnant and feeling the need to get out of school ASAP, but I think it was a good decision.  So, a good thing is that I get to graduate early ahead of my class , and I can’t wait to finish the rest of the year.