Vega 4: life is beautiful

Pointless post, just need to vent, on the week, i guess:

Watching sixteen and pregnant, I have had to go through almost everything on that so far.  The other day, i went clothes shopping, in the maternity section, because even though i’m still not big at all, it’s still nearing that time.  People stare and stare and stare.  I hate it.  Just because I’m not as old and mature as you, means you have to stare.  No matter where I go, people will stare.  It’s been like that since the first eight weeks.

I saw a commerical for the season finale of the show for next week.  I am thinking about not watching it, but I know I have to.  The show is usually about life before and after the baby.  This one, was about the girl giving her baby up for adoption.  It looked like it was going to be such an emotional episode.  I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of having to even consider it, and I can’t even begin to imagine trying to describe the feeling of actually going through with it.  I cant imagine the feeling of seeing my baby, and having to hand it over.  Maybe not even holding it.  It might be the best gift I could give my baby.  I don’t know.  At all.  This is basically the only thing that has been running through my head this week.

And I’m going to be straight up, the majority of these girls have the babies’ father.  The girl giving up her baby for adoption, has the support and sympathy of the father.   He encouraged her that she was able to give it up.  That they were capable of doing this together.  The only support I have from the baby’s daddy is the same decision to give it up for adoption, because he’s “not ready.”   He did say everything would be okay, and I’m not trying to talk bad about him or belittle him, because of course, a baby is the farthest thing in the mind of an 18 year old boy.  He could have denied it was his, but he didnt.  Oh well.  But, I wasn’t ready either.  And I’m even younger than him.  I wasn’t ready for this hard decision that I never even expected to be this hard.  I would love support, but then again, I think I’m pretty strong.  I’ve made it this far on my own.

And I just feel awful and guilty even writing this.  This baby is kicking now.  Innocent, happy, healthy, content, in the safety of its mommy, and, it has no idea that I am talking about it, and even considering the fact about giving it up.  Maybe it will be happier that way because I wont be able to spoil it.  I wont be able to devote 24 hours of my time.  It will have a struggling mom, and It wont have a daddy.  But I am finishing school, or my mom wont help me with anything, baby or no baby.  So, later, when I do finish, and want my own kids, maybe it WILL be worth it, because I know I can give love and spoil it with everything, and give it happiness.  This is crazy.

Oh, here are some fairly interesting videos I found about the glamorization of teen pregnancy and about 17 girls making a pact to get pregnant together.  I’m sorry, But TRYING to get pregnant as a teenager, is completely ridiculous.  Even the problem of accidents is ridiculous.  I wish there was something I could do. Hmm.


~ by ashleysalazar on July 10, 2009.

One Response to “untitled”

  1. ashley that baby will be spoiled no matter what you say, just because you wont be with the baby all the time it will still know your its mother and it will love you just the same. i honestly think once you go through all the pain and its gets closer to having it your decision will just come to you. your not going to be able to give it up. your going to be a great mother and you can give to it everything anyone else can. just not at the same time. it will take a while and that will be fine. its going to take some time. remember im here.

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