Lately…

•August 21, 2009 • 1 Comment

http://www.3saobaos.com/3saobaos/John%20Mayer%20-%20Daughters.mp3
same song for now – John Mayer: Daughters

21weeks

Just a quick update.
Hm, I am DEFINITELY showing now & things have been going REALLY well.  I have a beautiful, ACTIVE, baby girl and things are pretty good. I recently recieved some exciting news that you all will probably be finding out about soon enough! (; Oh, and if by some crazy chance i DO GET to pick my baby’s name, I am calling her Addison now.  I don’t know why, it’s just a name I like, that always stuck.
That’s all for now!

Babygirl (:

•August 8, 2009 • 2 Comments

http://www.3saobaos.com/3saobaos/John%20Mayer%20-%20Daughters.mp3
john mayer: daughters

A lot has been going on recently.  I met with my caseworker, Ashley. Lol. She’s really nice. It was a kind of emotional thing, though, at one point, because I cant even begin to imagine that day I have to hand my baby over.  But, its getting better, and although I think i will “change my mind” a  million times, I know what my final decision will be.  She’s helping me work through all this, as a counselor, and prepare me for that day.

20 weeks girlLater that day, after I met Ashley I went to the doctors office for my 20 week sonogram.  First of all, I saw that being in my fifth month, I haven’t even gained 10 pounds yet.  I’ve gained more like 5 or 6.  That’s with my clothes and shoes on!  I kind of worried about it, but im NOT complaining! For a number of reasons!! Ha! BUT, anyway, I found out Im having a baby girl.  She’s going to be so cute , I bet.  I hope she gets my brown hair and Justin’s colored eyes (: Lol. I saw/heard her little heartbeat again, and the anatomy like the four chambers of the heart, I saw her spine, her little bones, feet and hands.  I can’t believe there’s a living thing in there. Lol. It’s so crazy. (the picture is kind of hard to see. it’s like bottom up.)

There is one thing I’m scared about though.  They call it “breeching” where, the babys head is up instead of down.  Apparently it’s normal and she has PLENTY of time to turn around, but I get paranoid about those things.

Hmm, today at work,was horrible to be honest.  It’s the first of REAL back pain I actually felt while being in motion.  It usually comes when I’m leaning back or something. I couldn’t stand bending over and over and not being able to sit down for 6 hours.  At first I was like, Okay, Wow, I’m lazy! But then the back pains got a lot worse! And it’s not lke I was out of breath or anything.  But oh well, that’s what I get, I guess. Lol.  Other than that, things got kind of sad.  This lady passed by with her little baby. She was so cute, and she had the cutest cry.  I felt so bad, and I almost wanted to cry, but then I thought, that cry isn’t going to be cute at 3 AM.  And I just had to think to myself all of the reasons why I was doing this and I literally thought over and over , “its for the best, it’s for the best,” because in that moment I could have totally changed my mind.  Then, there was this young girl I saw earlier in the dressing room, she was buying baby clothes so we started talking about how cute the clothes were.  She said they were for her friend who just turned 19, and we just started having a conversation.  Somehow we got onto the subject of this adoption plan I’m going through, and she told me that it was such a noble thing for me to do.  It REALLY HONESLY helped.  Just minutes before I had been on the verge of tears, I guess, and we really just stood there and talked about everything.  And especially when she said that, those words of reassurance definitely did a lot for me.  Even though I said thank you and everything, I don’t think she even knew it and how just talking to me, and saying that did a lot of good for me.

20 weeks footBut overall, things have been okay.  Other than the emotional side, I just have horrible back pains, especially after work, and I have to hold my back when I walk and it makes me look really funny/awkward. It really sucks, and I really hate it! The bad thing is I’m not even that big yet. Oh well, it’s going to be worth it, I think. 🙂

(her little foot is SO much bigger than the last ultrasound)

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work

•August 1, 2009 • Leave a Comment

http://arctica.nw.ru/toolband_update_12-12/Mp3/Staind/2003%20-%2014%20Shades%20Of%20Grey/Staind%20-%20Zoe%20Jane.mp3
staind: zoe jane

At work, they’ve been putting me in the kids section.  It includes babies, and I just look at all these baby items, and see all these pregnant women coming through (some teenagers, ha) shopping for their babies that will soon be here.  This sounds stupid, but I’ve had to keep from crying sometimes.  This decision is so “final.” Even though, it’s not really final, until I sign the papers, in the back of my mind, I know it is, because, theres no way I can turn back.  This is what is best for my little one.  It just helps reality to hit.  I never thought you could love someone so much.  Something that isn’t even here, has so much impact on me already. Oh, I’m finally starting to really show. But I dont think anybody has the guts to ask, in fear of the fact that I might just be chubby. Ha. But it’s only in my stomach area.  And, i find out the sex in four days.

ill probably write more later, but i have to go to work.

UPDATE: Tonight at work wasn’t so bad, i just tried not to pay attention to everything, although, there is this adorable blanket i keep seeing that i want to buy really bad.  I am still really really sad right now. Extremely.

i wrote this on myspace:

my baby is kicking or doing something to the point where i can see the phone on my stomach move all around. its so unbelievably cute.
and i couldn’t be sadder.

my baby is kicking or doing something to the point where i can see the phone on my stomach move all around. its so unbelievably cute.

and i couldn’t be sadder.


Honestly

•July 27, 2009 • 2 Comments

I can honestly say that I fe19 weeksel so much better after making this decision.  Everything is going well and I’m confident that I’m doing the right thing.  I’m also a lot less stressed about it.  Things are going to be okay.  I also finalllly started showing a lot more.  After all this time. It’s crazy.  Maybe people will start asking, and stop thinking im “chubby!” I hate that! =[ I also felt the baby kick from the outside.

Oh, and this picture is at 19 weeks. No stretch marks, thank god, ha! My facial expression looks like, “well, there’s NO turning back!”

going through

•July 25, 2009 • 4 Comments

Today I met with an adoption agency called the Gladney Center.  It was basically an introduction about everything they offer, like counseling, etc, and next week im meeting with a case worker to discuss “signatures,” picking the adoptive family, and going on the with adoptive process.  I can’t believe I’m actually going through with this, but it’s honestly for the best.  Like I’ve listed before, there are many reasons for this baby to be with a better family.  I just want it to have everything it possibly can to lead a good life.  I got a little teary, but I held it in, because this is where I have to be strong.  I will just keep reminding myself, it would be selfish to take this baby home, and this is for the best. This baby will be so happy and thank me later on.  This is official now.  There’s no turning back.  I can’t, and I won’t.  This is making me a stronger person every second and helping me realize so many things I didn’t before.  This baby is set for life.

And most of all, i’m going to be giving two beautiful people an awesome gift that nobody else can give them.

quick update

•July 22, 2009 • Leave a Comment

http://smashmaster00.tripod.com/mus12442446/goingaway.mp3
blink 182: going away to college

So, i’ve had some time to let this digest, and i’ve talked with some good adoption agencies, I’ve even seen a good family online that i’m interested in.  I’m finally at peace with my decision. (:

It takes a lot of stress off. Especially with money.  I just want my baby to have it better than I did.  Not that I had it bad AT ALL, but I didn’t have a a stay at home mom, a daddy, and this way the baby will have that, and plenty of attention…etc.  I will be working/college and my mom will be working all the time.  This baby is going to grow up knowing a nanny, not their family.  We won’t have time to enjoy it, or vice versa. This is going to be hard, but I see a counselor, and i’m probably going to see some counselors that specialize in that area, or talk to women that have gone through it.

And tomorrow I’m buying my Blink 182 tickets. [: Together after years and years, finally.

I’ll write more later:

Also, anyone who thinks I’m selfish or bad for doing this, I’m sorry. Chances are most of you haven’t been through this, and you arent going to be there with me handing me money, working to help pay, helping me finish college, or up hours and hours during the night taking care of this baby. =/ I think it is honestly a selfless decision. Taking this baby home would be easy, and selfish. I couldn’t provide. It would be a constant struggle.  It’s not like I didn’t consider keeping it, because I was going to for a while, but for ALL of the wrong reasons.

decision

•July 21, 2009 • Leave a Comment

http://www.fileden.com/files/2008/2/18/1767117/18%20Goodbye%20Baby.mp3
fleetwood mac: goodbye baby

for so long, i have been wanting to keep this baby, but could really think of no reasons why.  i have come to the conclusion, i think its only best to give this baby up for adoption to a family that can love it and provide for it.  im 17, i can hardly care for myself, and im not ready to  take on this responsibility.  I havent looked into any day cares, any thing that a baby needs, see! i don’t even KNOW what else a baby needs.   I guess I could learn, but im just not ready.  And, to be honest, Justin was right.  We arent ready.  We are too young.  And, I DO love this baby, but I know they will thank me later. I could change my mind a million times, and i JUST might, im just, trying to be as strong as I can be.  Then later on, when I’m ready, I will have another baby, and they will have their “stay at home mom,” and their “loving daddy.”  That’s all I want.  For my baby to have two great parents, and grow up a lot better than some stuff that I had to go through.  It’s going to break my heart, and i’ve spent so much time crying, but, i’ve got to be positive & I think I’ll be okay. (:

“This may not be the answer for another girl like me;
But I’m not on a soapbox saying how we all should be.
I’m just trusting in my feelings and I’m trusting God above,
And I’m trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers’ love. “